Do you identify as an introvert?
My name is Hilde, and I am an introvert! Or at least that is what I have always believed about myself. But lately I have been looking at this from a different perspective based on some differing thoughts on the topic that I have heard.
For me the simple definition for what makes someone an introvert versus an extrovert is that:
o An introvert recharges their batteries by being alone
o An extrovert recharges their batteries by being with other people
I need time alone to relax and recharge. As much as I enjoy the company of others, it is always in the quiet times when no-one is around that I feel most at ease. Having a label such as being an introvert makes it easy for me to not have to explain my desire to be alone.
However, lately I have been questioning whether there isn’t an underlying theme that has influenced my connection with others and makes me act in an introverted way.
While I was doing my Professional Coaching course, I remember one of our teachers was talking about making true contact with others. He asked the group how we act when we first arrive at a party. Do we immediately go up to people we don’t know, or do we look for someone familiar to talk to, or do we end up standing in a corner observing the party from a distance? When we had all replied he stated that those that did not engage immediately with other people were not opening themselves up to really connect. Immediately the ‘introverts’ in the room protested stating that ‘we’ find social situations challenging but that it has nothing to do with being able to connect or not. Then, to my surprise, the teacher stated that there is no such thing as introverts, only people who find it hard to connect. I immediately felt resistance and thought ‘Yes that’s easy for you to say as a clear extrovert’!
I have learnt, however, that resistance is a great teacher and so I tried to keep an open mind about what had been said.
However, it was only when I heard someone else talk about this subject in a podcast that I really gained a new perspective.
Unfortunately, I do not remember who it was, but this person agreed with my teacher that ‘introversion’ does not exist and the reason for this is that we are biologically, anthropologically designed to live in groups. As humans we have historically needed the strength and protection of the group to be able to survive. So, we are naturally inclined to seek out others and connect with them to increase our chances of survival.
So, why then should some of us find it exhausting to spend a lot of time in the presence of others and to luxuriate in time spent alone?
For me the trigger word was safety.
I realised that the only time I can truly relax is when I am completely alone. So, when I turn this around it means that I cannot fully relax in the presence of other people. I tried to figure out why that is.
It could be linked to being an HSP (highly sensitive person – Elaine Aron), being a ‘rescuer’ (from Karpman’s Drama Triangle) or being an ‘introvert’.
I recognise myself in all of the above
BUT
I also realised that underlying all these things, for me, is a feeling of lack of safety. A fear of being rejected which makes it hard for me to really be myself and allow myself to be vulnerable, especially with people I don’t know very well. I think that I learnt, probably at an early age, how to avoid conflict and rejection. By putting others needs before my own and constantly scanning every situation I can focus on making sure everyone around me is ok. However, this can be exhausting and so it is no wonder that I need time to be alone to recharge.
Overall, I had a happy childhood and I have a good relationship with my parents. However, I do believe that as a child I, for some reason, decided that I needed to take care of everyone around me. There were also underlying feelings and emotions that were not being talked about and I emigrated twice before the age of 6 (at age 3 to Germany and at age 5 to England). This must have been quite unsettling and going to school in England without speaking a word of English also honed my observation skills.
I still find the term introvert useful since it gives words to the needs that I have and makes them acceptable to the world around me but for me, at least, I think there is more to it than that. I have already learned a lot about myself and what drives me, and I continue to take steps to return to my core self. A self where who I am, exactly as I am, is more than enough.
I will continue to stay curious towards myself and how and why I respond to situations in the way I do. These insights allow me to work towards letting go of my limiting beliefs and becoming more fully my true self.
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